‘I Haven’t Relaxed Since… Well, Ever’: Finding Relief When Traditional Meditation Fails

I recently received this wonderful message from Jennifer that I wanted to share with you:

“I haven’t been able to relax since … well ever. I’m 41 years old and cannot get my shoulders out of my ears! Tapping in this app is such a long awaited for comfort! It allows me to rest for the first time in my life. When I’m feeling unsafe, anxious, sick, or overwhelmed, these tapping sessions really help me. I’ve tried meditation many times but I’m too much of a busy body to sit still and do nothing physically. The tapping allows my body to move and my mind to rest. The perfect combination for me. I look so different with my shoulders down. lol.”

Jennifer, thank you for sharing your experience! First, let me say how much I appreciate your honesty about something so many people struggle with—that feeling of being perpetually “on,” with shoulders practically living in your ears. I can almost feel the relief in your words when you describe finally experiencing rest for the first time at 41.

And that last line about looking different with your shoulders down? That made me smile. Isn’t it amazing how our physical tension becomes so normalized that we barely recognize ourselves when we finally let it go?

What you’ve described is actually a perfect illustration of why Tapping works when other approaches fall short, especially for those of us who find traditional meditation challenging. Let’s explore why this happens and how you can build on the breakthrough you’ve already experienced.

When Your Nervous System Is Stuck in “On” Mode

That feeling of shoulders perpetually raised toward your ears is far more than just a physical posture issue—it’s a window into your nervous system’s state.

Our bodies are designed with a sophisticated stress response system that activates in the face of threats. When danger appears, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in—raising your shoulders (to protect your neck), tightening muscles (to prepare for action), and triggering dozens of other physiological changes to help you survive.

This is a brilliant design for responding to occasional threats. The problem arises when this system gets stuck in the “on” position.

“For someone who’s been unable to relax ‘since… well, ever,’ this isn’t just occasional activation—it’s a nervous system that’s forgotten how to return to rest.”

For someone who’s been unable to relax “since… well, ever,” as Jennifer put it, this isn’t just occasional activation—it’s a nervous system that’s forgotten how to return to rest. Your body has essentially been running a marathon for decades without a water break.

The Physical Toll of a Chronically Activated Nervous System

When your shoulders live in your ears for years or decades, several things happen:

• Your muscles develop a “new normal” – The tension becomes your default setting, so even when you try to relax, your muscles don’t remember how
• Your nervous system becomes hypersensitive – The threshold for what triggers your stress response gets lower and lower
• Physical changes occur in your tissues – Chronic tension leads to changes in fascia, muscle fibers, and even how your brain maps your body
• You begin compensating elsewhere – Other parts of your body adjust to accommodate the tension, creating a cascade of postural and movement issues

Perhaps the most insidious effect is that this tension becomes so familiar, you stop noticing it. It’s like background noise you’ve heard for so long that your brain filters it out of your conscious awareness—until someone points it out, or until you experience what it’s like without it.

This is exactly why Jennifer mentioned looking “so different” with her shoulders down. After 41 years, seeing herself without tension was almost like meeting a stranger in the mirror!

Why Traditional Meditation Can Feel Impossible

Jennifer’s comment about being “too much of a busy body to sit still and do nothing physically” highlights another critical aspect of chronic tension: the mismatch between traditional meditation approaches and an activated nervous system.

Here’s the catch-22 that many meditation teachers never acknowledge: To benefit from traditional meditation, you need to be able to sit still and focus. But when your nervous system is dysregulated, sitting still can feel anywhere from uncomfortable to absolutely excruciating.

It’s like telling someone with a broken leg to run a mile before they can get a cast. The very thing that might eventually help requires capabilities that aren’t currently available.

This is why so many people try meditation and conclude, “It’s just not for me,” or worse, “I’m bad at meditating.” The truth is, it’s not a personal failing—it’s a mismatch between the tool and your current nervous system state.

The Movement-Meditation Connection

Interestingly, many traditional contemplative practices actually began with movement components that were later stripped away as these practices moved into mainstream Western culture. Ancient meditation traditions often included physical elements—from simple hand movements to full prostrations—recognizing the body’s need for movement as part of the calming process.

Jennifer intuited something profound when she noted that Tapping “allows my body to move and my mind to rest.” This combination of gentle, rhythmic physical movement while focusing on emotional processing creates a neurological environment where the hyperactive nervous system can finally begin to stand down.

How Tapping Cracks the Code for the “Can’t Sit Still” Crowd

What Jennifer discovered is that Tapping provided something traditional meditation couldn’t: a way to engage her body’s need for movement while simultaneously calming her mind.

Here’s why this works so well:

1. Bilateral Stimulation Regulates the Nervous System

The alternating right-left tapping pattern creates what neuroscientists call bilateral stimulation. This pattern of activating both hemispheres of the brain has been shown to help process emotional material and reduce its intensity. This is one of the same mechanisms that makes EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) effective for trauma.

2. The Physical Sensation Creates a “Distraction Channel”

The gentle physical sensation of tapping gives the busy mind something concrete to focus on. Rather than fighting against mental activity (which often increases it), Tapping provides just enough sensory input to redirect attention without requiring perfect focus.

3. It Interrupts Habitual Tension Patterns

Each time you tap, you’re momentarily interrupting the habitual muscle tension patterns that have become your body’s default. Over time, these interruptions allow new neural pathways to form—pathways that include the novel experience of relaxation.

4. It Combines Somatic Awareness with Emotional Processing

Unlike approaches that treat the body and emotions as separate domains, Tapping bridges them. You’re physically engaging with your body while verbally acknowledging emotions. This integration is powerful because it matches how we actually experience life—as whole beings, not compartmentalized parts.

“The alternating right-left tapping pattern creates what neuroscientists call bilateral stimulation. This pattern of activating both hemispheres of the brain has been shown to help process emotional material and reduce its intensity.”

A Tapping Sequence for Chronic Tension

Let’s create a Tapping sequence specifically designed for that “shoulders in your ears” tension that Jennifer described. This sequence addresses both the physical tension and some of the common emotional patterns that often accompany chronic tension.

Before you begin, take a moment to notice your current tension level, particularly in your shoulders. Rate it on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being maximum tension.

Take a deep breath and check in with your tension level again. Notice any changes, even subtle ones, in how your shoulders feel.

Beyond Basic Tapping: Advanced Approaches for Chronic Tension

While the basic Tapping sequence above can provide immediate relief, chronic tension patterns often benefit from additional approaches. Here are some advanced strategies to build on your initial success:

The “Tension Tracking” Technique

Throughout your day, set a gentle alarm or reminder to check in with your tension levels every hour. When the reminder goes off:

1. Notice your current tension level (0-10)
2. Observe when it increased (What happened right before?)
3. Do 30-60 seconds of Tapping right then
4. Notice the new tension level

This practice builds your awareness of what triggers tension spikes in your daily life, while also interrupting the pattern before it becomes entrenched again.

The “Posture Memory” Approach

Our bodies operate largely through procedural memory—the same kind of memory that allows you to ride a bike without thinking about it. To create new “posture memories”:

1. After a Tapping session when your shoulders are relaxed, stand in front of a mirror
2. Look at yourself with relaxed shoulders
3. Take a mental snapshot of how this looks and feels
4. Throughout the day, recall this image and feeling, using it as a template for your body

The more often you mentally reference this “relaxed posture memory,” the more accessible it becomes for your nervous system.

The “Emotional Excavation” Method

Chronic tension often guards deeper emotional material. Once you’ve experienced some physical relief, you might explore what your tension has been protecting:

This curious, non-judgmental exploration often reveals surprising insights about why your nervous system has been maintaining this heightened state.

When Traditional Meditation Just Doesn’t Work: You’re Not Alone

Jennifer’s experience of being “too much of a busy body to sit still” resonates with so many people who’ve tried meditation and felt like failures. If you’ve had this experience too, please know: there’s nothing wrong with you.

“Different nervous systems have different needs and different paths to regulation.”

Different nervous systems have different needs and different paths to regulation. Some of the most brilliant, creative, and remarkable people I know have nervous systems that simply don’t respond well to sitting meditation—yet they’ve found profound peace through movement-based practices like Tapping.

The gift of Tapping is that it offers multiple regulation pathways simultaneously:

• The rhythm and movement satisfy the need for physical engagement
• The verbalization of emotions addresses cognitive processing
• The touch creates sensory input that grounds the experience
• The acupressure points access the body’s energetic system

This multi-channel approach means Tapping often succeeds where single-channel approaches (like sitting meditation alone) might not gain traction.

From Tension to Transformation: The Bigger Picture

While releasing physical tension is enormously valuable on its own, there’s often a beautiful ripple effect that follows. As Jennifer noted, she looks “so different with my shoulders down”—and I suspect the changes go far beyond appearance.

When chronic tension begins to release, people often report:

• Improved sleep quality and duration
• Greater emotional resilience
• More authentic connections with others
• Access to joy and playfulness that had been suppressed
• A sense of inhabiting their body in a new way
• Discovering aspects of themselves that tension had been masking

These broader life changes make sense when we understand that chronic physical tension isn’t just a muscle issue—it’s a whole-system pattern that affects how we perceive and interact with the world.

Think about it: When your shoulders are perpetually raised, you’re physically embodying a state of vigilance and preparation for threat. Your perceptual systems will naturally align with this physical state, scanning for danger and filtering out positive information that doesn’t match your embodied state.

As your body learns to relax, your perception shifts too. You might notice beauty you previously missed, feel safe in situations that would have seemed threatening before, or access creative ideas that tension had been blocking.

This is the profound gift of nervous system regulation through Tapping—it doesn’t just change how you feel; it can transform how you experience your entire life.

Your Invitation: From “Shoulders in Ears” to Freedom

Jennifer’s story beautifully illustrates something I’ve seen countless times: no matter how long you’ve been holding tension, your nervous system retains the capacity to learn a new way of being.

At 41, after a lifetime of being unable to relax, Jennifer discovered that her body could actually rest. The shoulders that had been living in her ears found a new home. And perhaps most importantly, she now knows that relaxation is possible for her—not just as a concept, but as a lived experience.

“No matter how long you’ve been holding tension, your nervous system retains the capacity to learn a new way of being.”

If you resonated with Jennifer’s story, I invite you to begin your own exploration. Start with the Tapping sequence above, but remember that this is just the beginning. The most powerful approach is the one you customize to your unique experience.

Pay attention to:

• When your tension increases or decreases
• What thoughts or beliefs accompany your physical tension
• Which specific Tapping phrases resonate most strongly for you
• How your relationships and experiences shift as tension releases

Each of these observations becomes a doorway to deeper healing and integration.

And please, be gentle with yourself in this process. Chronic tension patterns develop for a reason—often as protection against perceived threats. As you work with these patterns, approach them with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment or force.

Your body and nervous system are doing exactly what they were designed to do. With Tapping, you’re simply giving them new information—that it’s safe now, that you can rest, that your shoulders can finally come down from your ears and find their true home.

Helpful Resources for Chronic Tension Relief

• The Tapping Solution App – Features specific meditations for releasing tension and regulating your nervous system. Here are some I’d suggest:
  • Settle Your Body – Perfect for when you’re feeling jittery or need to come back to center.
  • Emotional Balance and Ease: Vagus Nerve Toning – This session helps regulate your nervous system through vagus nerve activation.
  • I Don’t Know What’s Bothering Me – A great session when you feel stressed or bothered, but you’re not sure why. It can help you feel better, gain insight into what’s going on, and connect with clarity about what to do next.
  • Safe and Grounded – This Quick Tap (only 2 minutes long) is particularly helpful when tension comes from feeling unsafe.
  • Relax and Recharge – Give yourself a moment of peace where you can slow down, release tension, and feel refreshed. This is another super-short Quick Tap (so it’s only 2 minutes!) and is great for a midday check in and shoulder release.

Note: You can access these meditations by clicking the links above using your mobile device, or type the name of the meditation into The Tapping Solution App’s search function.

I’d love to hear about your experience with chronic tension and Tapping. Have you had breakthroughs like Jennifer? Are you just beginning to explore how Tapping might help with your own “shoulders in your ears” experience? Share your story in the comments below!

Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner