Who you spend time with… is who you become.
I first heard this quote and concept over 15 years ago at a Tony Robbins weekend event.
I was there by myself, having seen an advertisement for it while walking the streets of New York where I lived, and knowing I needed to do something different with my life.
Amongst many insights that weekend, “Who you spend time with is who you become” was powerful for me, but I also found it difficult to implement.
You might have heard this quote, or similar concepts, including research showing that your income often has a direct correlation with your five closest friends.
So what’s going on here? And how do we manage choices and decisions about what to do when we have an awareness of this concept?
Here are some of the challenges and solutions as I see them:
1. Maybe the people around you are not the best influence, but you love them, and you’re a good friend, so what do you do?
2. What about family? Does this idea tell you to leave family members who aren’t a positive influence in the dust, because they’re not helping you?
3. Where do you find new friends and positive influence anyway? Is there a special club or secret meeting place? 🙂
Ok, so let’s address the different questions:
Question #1: Maybe the people around you are not the best influence, but you love them, and you’re a good friend, so what do you do?
I fully believe in this concept, but I think the key is to address and implement it with moderation and compassion. Too often we learn something like this and see it as a black or white issue. This person is negative, so I’m not talking to them anymore! That friend has really poor beliefs about money, so I’m out!
And the challenge with going all out on it is that often these same people, the ones closest to you, the ones you love, are exactly the ones who can help you grow the most!
For example, let’s say you have a friend who has really negative beliefs about money. You’re trying to change your experience with money, rewrite old limiting beliefs and stuck patterns, (like we’re doing in my 7-week financial program right now – we’re on week 2, but you can still join and catch up, listen later, etc. if you’re interested go here) but whenever you’re around this person, they’re negative, they doubt what you’re doing and it brings you down.
What to do? I think it’s a multi-step approach:
Step 1: TAP on how that person makes you feel.
If they’re really pushing your buttons, it means there are buttons to be pushed! It means some part of you isn’t fully aligned or confident about your new beliefs or ideas. So them triggering you is a perfect opportunity to tap down that fear, stress and anxiety.
A simple way to tap, shortly after a negative experience, is to simply imagine it happening in your mind’s eye again. Hear what they see, feel what you felt, be there, tuned in to your body, and acknowledge what it’s triggering inside you. Keep tapping until you can run the “movie” without emotional attachment. You might even find that the movie changes as you tap along and gain confidence about your beliefs.
Step 2: Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.
You’ll often find that after doing the tapping, when you encounter that person or a similar circumstance again, things change! We often have these preconceived notions of how people are going to act, what they’re going to say, and that can guide the conversation in seen and unseen ways. Pay attention to how circumstances and people change when YOU change.
Step 3: If you’re still being triggered, consider some space from them.
If you’re doing the tapping, but these individuals are still triggering you too much, still bringing you down, then perhaps it is time to consider some space from them. But here’s the KEY: I want you to make that consideration from a place of clarity, of peace, of compassion…not from a place of fear, of “I have to run away from this person”. Making the choice from a place of peace and clarity will make all the difference in your outcome.
Question #2: What about family? Does this idea tell you to leave family members who aren’t a positive influence in the dust, because they’re not helping you?
I had an interesting tapping session the other day, as part of working on my next book focused on pain relief, with a lady who had some neck pain that just wouldn’t go away. She had actually used tapping to completely eliminate back pain she had had for years, but the neck pain wouldn’t seem to go.
After drilling down with some power questions: “If there was an emotion in your neck, what would it be? If someone was in your neck, who would it be?” She shared some of the challenges she’s having with her 89 year old father.
She’s his primary caretaker, and they live together, and she shared that whenever she tried to tell him about all the great, new and exciting things happening in her life, he was constantly doubting her, questioning what she was doing, and making her feel terrible.
So what to do here? Kick Dad out on the street because he’s not being positive enough? 🙂 Of course not. So we tapped! Focusing on the things he said to her, I had her imagine what he would say, and say it out loud, simply tapping through the points, using his tone of voice, using his exact language, and tuning in to how it made her feel.
Point by point, statement by statement, she released all the stress, anxiety, sadness and anger that his statements caused her. As often happens, after the first layer, we found some deeper pain, some real sadness about the relationship and how he was making her feel.
After 10-15 minutes of tapping, she shared how much lighter she felt and how she could now imagine him saying those things, without the same response from her. In fact, she started connecting with the love she felt for him, and you could see a real possibility of the relationship improving just from this small tapping session.
And… the reason we started tapping in the first place, her neck pain, was COMPLETELY gone. Down to a zero, no pain, no restricted motion!
So what does this mean for you?
It means these relationships, this pain, this anger, sadness, betrayal, fear, is a wonderful opportunity for healing. There are absolutely times when people and relationships are simply too toxic and we need to move away from them. There are absolutely times when we need to be aware of who we spend time with, to avoid burning ourselves out, to have boundaries, to make clear decisions about ourselves and our energy.
But what I’m suggesting is that you do the tapping FIRST, clear the hurt, the anger, the sadness, and then, from that place of forgiveness, compassion, clarity and more, from THERE, you make the best decision for yourself.
Question #3: Where do you find new friends and positive influence anyway? Is there a special club or secret meeting place? 🙂
A. Weekend Getaways Change Lives!
Just like that weekend 15 years ago where I surrounded myself with positive people, made new friends and made new decisions about my life, I’ve found that weekend events, when you change your environment for a weekend, get a new perspective, learn new information and more, can be dramatically powerful.
I just spent this past weekend in Ft. Lauderdale and saw it all happen again, not only for the 3,000 people in the audience, but for myself! The Hay House “I Can Do It!” events aren’t just great for me when I’m on stage and connecting with YOU, they also nurture and feed my soul when I get to connect with other speakers and friends.
Having dinner at the recent Hay House “I Can Do It” event with friends Cheryl Richardson, John Holland, Kris Carr and Gabby Bernstein.
Surrounded by grumpy people who don’t believe in you and your dreams? Besides doing everything else we’ve talked about, make some new friends on your iPod.
Yes, it’s not the same kind of friendship and relationship, but getting positive, uplifting information can be truly life-changing. I know it has been for me. Besides tapping, I credit my iPod as perhaps the most transformative tool for me, because of the hours, days, weeks, months and years spent listening to positive information.
And hey, I started listening to Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Louise Hay and others on my iPod YEARS before they became my actual, real, huggable physical friends. So who knows what can happen! 🙂
C. Give Books as Gifts:
It’s hard to “convince” your friends about your new ideas, and you’re certainly not going to CHANGE them, all by yourself. But you can NUDGE them in the right direction, and books can be a great way to do that.
If you’re looking to lose a few pounds this Spring, and want a friend to support you, pick up a copy of Jessica’s book (The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss and Body Confidence) for them and read it together. Start a small book club and find people who will support you in your journey.
I hope you found these thoughts and tips helpful.
Until next time…
Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner
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