Narcissus Was a Jerk
Written by Marcella Friel
Recently I had a Skype session with B., a client who had gained a pound and was having a bad hair day. When we explored the roots of her body-image discontent, we discovered a little girl inside B. who learned it was ungodly to wear nice clothing or have beautiful hair. Her mother, a strict Catholic, thought her own hair was ugly and always kept it bound under a scarf.
In our session, B. recalled seeing a photograph of herself when first married. She was slim, in love, and happy. “Wow! I want to get a copy of this photo to put on my wall!” She exclaimed.
Overhearing her words, B.’s stern older brother reprimanded her exuberance, as he had often done. Pursing his lips and shaking his head, he hissed, “B., please!”
B. recoiled. And the pounds started creeping back on.
In January 2014, I hired a pair of photographers to take photos of me for my web site. When I got the final prints, my reactions were mixed. Some of them seemed quite nice; others made me understand why my mother called me “monkey face.”
Then, when I began building the site and had to work more closely with the images, I started falling in love with this gorgeous woman looking back at me. Some yummy chemical began a slow release in my body, like sexual love reawakening after a long sleep.
Then I felt embarrassed. Is it okay for me to feel this way? Am I being—narcissistic?
Narcissism has its roots in the Greek myth of Narcissus, a young god who fell in love with his own reflection in a pond and then drowned trying to grasp the elusive image.
The myth is referenced as a cautionary tale: Don’t be too prideful about your appearance. Something terrible will happen if you are.
I looked up the story. Turns out Narcissus was a real jerk. He tortured Echo, a nymph who fell in love with him, by mimicking her every word until she died in the woods madly repeating herself. Narcissus spurned many lovers, among them a fellow named Aminias, who committed suicide imploring the gods to curse Narcissus for his heartlessness.
Narcissus wasn’t a jerk because he fell in love with himself. He was—well, narcissistic—way before he met his fate. Yet this story has been told not as an encouragement to be considerate of others, but rather as an admonition to shine our beauty at half-wattage, if at all.
By the time these beliefs surfaced in B., we were deep into our session. I often bypass the setup statement once the client and I are on a roll; and so, starting at the top of the head and moving through the points, we tapped to soothe that scared little Catholic girl:
These beliefs
It’s ungodly to wear nice clothing
It’s ungodly to have beautiful hair
It’s ungodly to love how I look
Someone will disapprove
My mother will disapprove
My brother will disapprove
He’ll hush me and suppress me
It’s not safe to love my appearance
It’s really not safe to be slim, in love, and happy
I better keep the pounds on
I’m much safer that way
After the initial stress resolves, I like to engage the brain in imagining alternative scenarios by asking, What If? Our subsequent round of tapping sounded like this:
These beliefs
Some part of me is still holding on to them
What if I could give them back to my mother?
What if I could give them back to my brother?
What if I could say, Thank you,
But these beliefs aren’t mine
What if I could give them back?
I’m willing to take a chance
I’m giving these beliefs back to my mother
I choose to love my beautiful hair
I choose to love my beautiful body
I am made in the image and likeness of God
My beauty is a gift from God
God made a beautiful world
I am an expression of God’s beauty
My beauty is a gift from God to others
It’s safe for me to steward it and enjoy it
By the end of our session, B. had the look of relief I’ve come to recognize so well.
Find or take a photo of yourself that you really love. Put it somewhere highly visible. Let yourself fully take in the beautiful being in that image. If discomfort with your pleasure surfaces, tap on it.
Who would you be if you lived your life with a humble, heartfelt love and joy in your appearance? Would you devastate others the way Narcissus did? Hardly.
If you don’t believe me, tap on the resistance. Let me know what happens.
