I recently received this thoughtful message from a community member named Frank that I wanted to share with you:
“For this year my challenge is: finding the courage to commit myself to a long term relationship with a woman. I am a man of 45 and I have had many girlfriends but over the last months I have been thinking by myself: ‘I really haven’t got a clue how to build a great relationship with a woman.’ Best regards, Frank”
Frank, first I want to thank you for your message! It shows real honesty and vulnerability. The fact that you’re willing to acknowledge this pattern and seek change speaks volumes about your self-awareness and readiness for growth. It takes courage to admit when something isn’t working in our lives, especially in an area as personal as relationships.
Your situation resonates with so many people. I’ve worked with countless individuals who find themselves in a similar position — they’ve had relationships, sometimes many of them, but still feel like they’re missing something fundamental about creating a lasting connection. They look around and wonder, “How do others make this work? What am I missing?”
The Relationship Paradox: So Close, Yet So Far
There’s a curious paradox at play in relationship commitment. Many of us deeply desire close connection while simultaneously feeling a pull to maintain our independence and protect ourselves from potential pain. It’s as if we have one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake.
“What you perceive as a character flaw is often just a nervous system stuck in protection mode.”
This isn’t just about “commitment issues” in the way we often dismiss them. It’s about something deeper happening in your nervous system — something that Tapping can help address in profound ways.
When we repeatedly experience a pattern of starting relationships but not maintaining them long-term, it’s usually not about a lack of knowledge or skills (though those matter too). More often, it’s about how our nervous system has been programmed to respond to intimacy.
The Nervous System’s Role in Relationship Patterns
Our brains are wired for both connection and self-protection. When we get close to someone, our nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or danger. For many of us, especially after multiple relationships that didn’t work out, our nervous system becomes hypersensitive to potential relationship threats.
This creates what we might think of as a “proximity paradox” — the closer you get to someone, the more your nervous system might sound the alarm, causing you to emotionally pull away just when deeper connection is possible.
Some common protective responses that might feel familiar:
- Finding small flaws in your partner that suddenly seem like dealbreakers
- Feeling inexplicably anxious or smothered as the relationship deepens
- Maintaining an “escape hatch” — a subtle but ever-present readiness to leave
- Self-sabotaging when things are going well
- Keeping parts of yourself hidden to prevent true vulnerability
These aren’t character flaws or signs that you’re “bad at relationships.” They’re protective mechanisms your nervous system has developed, likely based on past experiences.
The Origins of Commitment Hesitation
At 45, your relationship patterns have had time to become deeply ingrained. These patterns often have roots in our earliest experiences with attachment and connection. While I don’t know your specific history, some common origins include:
- Early attachment experiences — How your caregivers responded to your needs as a child creates a template for how you expect relationships to work
- Past relationship wounds — Previous heartbreaks or betrayals that taught your nervous system to stay on high alert
- Cultural and family messaging — What you learned about relationships, vulnerability, and “being a man” from your family and culture
- Witnessing difficult relationships — Seeing your parents or other important couples struggle can create unconscious beliefs about what relationships entail
Now these might not be exactly what is going on for you — it could be many different things!. But the key insight here is that your hesitation around commitment isn’t just a conscious choice — it’s a complex interplay between your conscious desires and your nervous system’s unconscious programming.
How Tapping Transforms Relationship Patterns
This is where Tapping comes in. While traditional approaches to relationship issues often focus on communication skills or dating strategies, Tapping works at the level of the nervous system — where these patterns are actually stored.
When you tap while focusing on relationship fears, several powerful things happen:
- Your nervous system begins to calm down, moving from protection mode to connection mode
- Unconscious beliefs about relationships can surface and be processed
- Old emotional wounds that have been affecting your current relationships can begin to heal
- The gap between what you consciously want (commitment) and what your body feels safe doing begins to close
Let’s start with a Tapping sequence specifically targeted at the courage to commit:
Tapping for Commitment Courage
Take a moment to notice how you feel when you think about committing to a long-term relationship. What sensations appear in your body? Rate the intensity of any anxiety, fear, or resistance on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being the strongest.
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though I’ve had many relationships but haven’t been able to commit long-term, I deeply and completely accept myself and how I feel.”
“Even though part of me wants commitment but another part feels scared or uncertain, I honor all parts of myself and how I feel.”
“Even though I’m not sure if I know how to build a great relationship, I’m open to learning, growing, and discovering a new way forward.”
Eyebrow: “This fear of committing”
Side of the eye: “I’ve had many relationships”
Under the eye: “But something always holds me back”
Under the nose: “What if I’m just not good at long-term relationships?”
Under the mouth: “What if I make a mistake?”
Collarbone: “All this uncertainty”
Under the arm: “It feels safer to keep my options open”
Top of the head: “What if I lose myself in a relationship?”
Eyebrow: “I’ve been thinking this way for a long time”
Side of the eye: “It’s become a pattern”
Under the eye: “Part of me wants to commit”
Under the nose: “And part of me feels scared”
Under the mouth: “Both parts are trying to protect me”
Collarbone: “I can acknowledge both sides”
Under the arm: “And still choose a new direction”
Top of the head: “I can learn new relationship patterns”
Eyebrow: “What if commitment could feel safe?”
Side of the eye: “What if I could maintain my independence AND be committed?”
Under the eye: “What if my past relationships were preparation”
Under the nose: “Not proof that I can’t commit?”
Under the mouth: “I’m learning and growing”
Collarbone: “I can approach relationships differently now”
Under the arm: “I can build skills for lasting connection”
Top of the head: “I’m open to a new relationship experience”
Now take a deep breath and check in with those initial feelings. Has the intensity shifted? Let’s continue with another round focused more specifically on the physical sensations of fear around commitment.
Tapping on the Physical Sensations of Commitment Fear
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though I feel this tightness in my chest when I think about committing to someone, I deeply and completely accept my body’s response.”
Eyebrow: “This tightness in my chest”
Side of the eye: “My body’s alarm system”
Under the eye: “It’s trying to protect me”
Under the nose: “But it may be responding to old threats”
Under the mouth: “Not what’s happening now”
Collarbone: “My body learned this response”
Under the arm: “And my body can learn something new”
Top of the head: “I can feel safe with closeness”
Eyebrow: “When I get too close to someone”
Side of the eye: “My nervous system gets activated”
Under the eye: “I start looking for exits”
Under the nose: “Or reasons why it won’t work”
Under the mouth: “I understand why I do this”
Collarbone: “It’s been my protection”
Under the arm: “But I can create new safety now”
Top of the head: “I can regulate my nervous system”
Eyebrow: “I can notice when I start to pull away”
Side of the eye: “And tap instead of running”
Under the eye: “I can build a new relationship with closeness”
Under the nose: “One where intimacy feels safe”
Under the mouth: “Where commitment feels freeing, not trapping”
Collarbone: “I’m retraining my brain and body”
Under the arm: “To experience relationships differently”
Top of the head: “Safety in connection is possible for me”
Understanding Your Attachment Blueprint
Frank, one helpful framework for understanding your relationship patterns is what psychologists call “attachment styles.” These are patterns of relating to others that form in early childhood but continue to influence our adult relationships.
Someone with an “anxious attachment” might crave closeness but fear abandonment, while someone with an “avoidant attachment” might value independence and feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy. Many people have a “fearful-avoidant” pattern where they both crave and fear closeness, creating a push-pull dynamic in relationships.
“Tapping helps create new neural pathways that allow for more secure attachment, where both closeness and independence feel comfortable.”
The good news is that attachment patterns aren’t fixed — they can change, especially when we work at the level of the nervous system. Tapping helps create new neural pathways that allow for more secure attachment, where both closeness and independence feel comfortable.
Let’s tap on some of the common beliefs that might be limiting your ability to commit:
Tapping on Limiting Relationship Beliefs
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though part of me believes that committing means losing my freedom, I deeply and completely accept all my feelings and beliefs.”
Eyebrow: “This belief about commitment”
Side of the eye: “That I’ll lose my freedom”
Under the eye: “That I’ll be trapped”
Under the nose: “Where did I learn this?”
Under the mouth: “Is it actually true?”
Collarbone: “Or is it an old fear?”
Under the arm: “What if commitment could be freeing?”
Top of the head: “What if the right relationship expands my life?”
Eyebrow: “This belief that I don’t know how”
Side of the eye: “That I’m missing some fundamental knowledge”
Under the eye: “That others have it figured out”
Under the nose: “But I don’t”
Under the mouth: “What if no one has it all figured out?”
Collarbone: “What if relationships are always a learning process?”
Under the arm: “What if I know more than I think I do?”
Top of the head: “What if I’m perfectly capable of learning what I need?”
Eyebrow: “This fear of making a mistake”
Side of the eye: “Of choosing the wrong person”
Under the eye: “Of getting hurt again”
Under the nose: “These fears have protected me”
Under the mouth: “But they’ve also limited me”
Collarbone: “I can acknowledge these fears”
Under the arm: “And still choose to move forward”
Top of the head: “I trust myself to make good choices for me”
The Courage Bridge: From Knowledge to Action
Frank, you mentioned that you “haven’t got a clue how to build a great relationship.” But I suspect that’s not entirely true. With your relationship experience and self-reflection, you likely have more knowledge than you realize.
What you might be missing isn’t knowledge but the courage to put that knowledge into action.
Let’s think of it like a “Courage Bridge” — the span between what we know and what we do. We often think we need more information when what we really need is more courage to act on what we already know.
Building a great relationship requires both skills and courage:
- Communication skills — The ability to express your needs and listen to your partner
- Emotional regulation — Managing your own reactions, especially during conflict
- Vulnerability — The willingness to be seen, even the parts of yourself you’re not proud of
- Consistency — Showing up reliably, even when it’s difficult
- Boundary-setting — Knowing your limits and respecting your partner’s
- Resilience — The ability to repair after inevitable conflicts
These skills can be learned and improved. But no amount of skill matters if your nervous system is programmed to pull away when things get too close. That’s why working with Tapping to rewire these responses is so powerful.
“Why cope when you can rewire? Tapping is the breakthrough technique your brain needs.”
Daily Practices for Building Relationship Readiness
Beyond the Tapping sequences I’ve shared, here are some daily practices that can help prepare your nervous system for a committed relationship:
- Start with self-relationship: Practice treating yourself with the consistency, respect, and care you want to bring to a relationship.
- Small commitments: Strengthen your commitment muscle by making and keeping small promises to yourself and others.
- Friendship inventory: Look at your friendships. Are there long-term, deep connections? If yes, what makes those work when romantic relationships have been different? If no, this might be a broader pattern to address.
- Values clarification: Get crystal clear on what you actually want in a relationship and what your non-negotiables are. Often, commitment hesitation comes from unclear values.
- Regular Tapping: Even 5 minutes daily can help rewire your nervous system’s response to closeness and commitment.
The Path Forward: Courage in Action
Frank, the fact that you’re acknowledging this pattern and seeking change means you’re already on the path. True courage isn’t about not feeling fear — it’s about moving forward despite it.
Remember that commitment isn’t a single decision; it’s a series of choices made day after day. Each time you choose to stay present, to work through a difficulty rather than exit, to reveal another layer of yourself — you’re building your commitment muscle.
This isn’t about forcing yourself into a commitment before you’re ready. It’s about removing the unconscious blocks that have kept you from experiencing the depth of connection you’re capable of.
As you continue using Tapping to rewire these old patterns, pay attention to subtle shifts:
- Do you feel more comfortable with emotional intimacy?
- Are you less likely to look for exits when things get closer?
- Can you stay present with difficult emotions rather than checking out?
- Do you feel more grounded in who you are, making it easier to connect without fear of losing yourself?
These are all signs that your nervous system is learning to associate safety with connection instead of separation.
A Final Thought: The Courage to Be Seen
At its core, commitment requires the courage to be truly seen by another person — with all your strengths and weaknesses, gifts and flaws. That level of vulnerability can feel terrifying, especially if past experiences have taught you it’s not safe.
But that same vulnerability is also the doorway to the deepest, most fulfilling connections we can experience as humans. The relationships that transform our lives are the ones where we risk being fully known.
“Commitment requires the courage to be truly seen by another person.”
I believe you have that courage within you, Frank. The very fact that you’re asking this question shows you’re ready to grow beyond old patterns. Use Tapping to help your nervous system catch up with your conscious desires, and you may be surprised at how naturally commitment begins to feel.
I invite you to try these Tapping sequences regularly and notice what shifts. And remember — building a great relationship isn’t about getting everything right from day one. It’s about creating a foundation of safety, respect, and communication that allows both people to grow together over time.
Resources to support your journey:
- Tapping for Love – A blog post guide to attracting and nurturing love with EFT Tapping.
- Find a Certified EFT Practitioner – For personalized guidance on using Tapping for various challenges.
- The Tapping Solution App – We have a variety of meditations to address fears, limiting beliefs, relationships, and more. Here are a few categories and sessions I’d like to recommend to help address your relationships with others, and your relationship with yourself – which is such a big part of what impacts our relationships with others.
- You Are Enough Category – We have a variety of sessions to help you anchor in the life changing belief that you are enough. Once you’ve spent time on the core message that You Are Enough, I’d recommend progressing to the You Are Enough Go Deeper Series. Day 3: Healing Relationships is a powerful one for healing any stress or pain from past relationships.
- Inner Child Healing Category – This topic is profound when it comes to transforming our inner belief systems for the better, especially when it comes to feeling safe in relationships. We have long form content on Inner Child healing, as well as Inner Child Healing Quick Tap sessions (which are only 2 min long).
- Relationships Category – We have sessions to help if you’re single, in a relationship, or going through a break up. Tapping is a powerful tool to help you feel more grounded and centered as you navigate your relationships. Two sessions I’d recommend are: Dating Support: Getting Back Out There and Single Support: Attracting Love
Note: You can access these meditations by clicking the links above using your mobile device, or type the name of the meditation into The Tapping Solution App’s search function.
Have you tried Tapping for relationship patterns? What shifts have you noticed? Share your experience in the comments below — your insights might help others on a similar journey.
Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner