Why We Resist What Helps Us Most: Understanding and Overcoming Your Resistance to Tapping

I recently received this heartfelt email from Rita that struck a deep chord with me:

“Thank you Nick for your email and reaching out to hear from your fans and followers. I would like help with resistance. For example, when I am struggling with compulsive eating and anxiety I know that tapping will help but often I resist using it. It is like I am self sabotaging my wellness and happiness or that these struggles are such a part of me that I cannot let them completely go. I have made enormous strides but something is holding me back from even greater peace and health. I don’t like doing anything half way and this really bothers me. I go round and round in circles….sometimes doing okay and then other times completely derailed. I know that I could be a happier me and I don’t understand why I resist using the EFT tools to be free of compulsion and addiction. I feel ridiculous admitting that I deliberately don’t do the tapping when I know that it works and that it will help me.

Thank you for asking for my insights and struggles and any guidance and support that you can offer.

Rita”

Rita, first I want to thank you for your courage and honesty. What you’ve described is something I hear about constantly in my work — and something I’ve experienced myself more times than I can count.

You’re not alone. Not even close.

In fact, I believe that understanding why we resist the very tools that help us most is one of the most important pieces of the healing journey. Let’s dive into this fascinating (and sometimes frustrating) aspect of human psychology—and explore how Tapping can help us break through this particular form of self-sabotage.

The Paradox of Resistance

There’s a certain irony to our situation, isn’t there? We discover a tool that helps us feel better—whether it’s Tapping, meditation, exercise, or something else—and then mysteriously find ourselves avoiding that very thing, especially when we need it most.

It’s like discovering a medicine that relieves our pain, but then hiding the bottle at the back of the cabinet precisely when the pain becomes severe.

From the outside, this behavior makes no logical sense. But as we’ll see, there’s always a deeper logic at work beneath the surface.

What’s Really Going On: The Hidden Logic of Resistance

When Rita says “these struggles are such a part of me that I cannot let them completely go,” she’s touched on something profound. Our patterns, even the painful ones, become part of our identity. They’re familiar territories in the landscape of our lives. And the human brain craves familiarity, even when that familiarity is uncomfortable.

Here are some of the hidden mechanisms that drive resistance:

1. The Identity Protection Mechanism

Our brains form neural networks around our identity—who we believe ourselves to be. When we start to change in significant ways, even positive ones, it can trigger a kind of “identity crisis” in our nervous system.

“If I’m not the person who struggles with anxiety and compulsive eating, then who am I?”

“If I let go of this pattern that’s been with me for decades, what else might change about me?”

These questions create uncertainty, and uncertainty registers as a threat to our primitive brain.

2. The Secondary Gain Trap

Every pattern, even a painful one, offers some kind of benefit or “secondary gain.” For example, compulsive eating might provide:

• Comfort during difficult emotions
• A reliable source of pleasure
• A distraction from deeper pains
• A way to avoid certain situations or responsibilities
• A familiar way to cope with life’s challenges

The prospect of giving up these benefits—even for the greater gain of freedom and health—can trigger resistance.

3. The “Not Safe to Heal” Program

This is a powerful unconscious belief system that often operates beneath our awareness. It might sound like:

• “If I heal completely, I’ll have no excuse when I fail”
• “If I heal, more will be expected of me”
• “If I heal, I might lose connection with people who know me as I am now”
• “If I heal, I’ll have to face all the things I’ve been avoiding”

4. The Primitive Brain’s Fear of Change

If you’ve read my book, you might remember the story about Grog and Thor. In short, there are two cavemen. The cautious caveman survived (Grog) while the peace-loving one got eaten by a tiger (Thor). Our brains are wired like Grog’s—constantly scanning for threats and treating any change, even positive change, as potentially dangerous.

When we start healing deeply entrenched patterns, our primitive brain might interpret this as: “Wait! We’ve survived this long with these patterns! Changing them could be dangerous!”

5. The Part That Doesn’t Feel Worthy

Sometimes, resistance stems from a deep place of not feeling worthy of complete healing, peace, or freedom from struggle. This part of us might believe we need to continue suffering in some way, or that struggle is our lot in life.

Tapping on Resistance: Breaking the Cycle

Now here’s the fascinating twist: We can use Tapping to address the very resistance that’s keeping us from tapping! This approach can create a breakthrough when we’re stuck in that frustrating cycle Rita described.

Here’s a tapping sequence specifically designed to address resistance to Tapping, especially around compulsive eating and anxiety:

Digging Deeper: Specific Aspects of Resistance

After tapping through the general resistance, it’s powerful to target specific aspects. Here are some to consider tTpping on:

For Identity-Based Resistance:

As you tap through the points, explore:

• “Who would I be without these struggles?”
• “What might become possible for me?”
• “What qualities would remain the same?”
• “What values and strengths do I have that are separate from my struggles?”

For Secondary Gain Resistance:

As you tap through the points, explore:

• “What do these patterns do for me?”
• “How do they serve or protect me?”
• “What would I need to feel safe letting them go?”
• “What healthier strategies could meet these same needs?”

For “Not Safe to Heal” Resistance:

As you tap through the points, explore:

• “What feels unsafe about healing completely?”
• “What would I have to face if I no longer had these struggles?”
• “Who might treat me differently?”
• “What responsibilities might I have to take on?”

Breaking Through Your Specific Resistance Pattern

Rita, based on your email, I notice a few specific threads that might be worth exploring:

1. The “All or Nothing” Perspective

You mentioned “I don’t like doing anything half way,” which suggests you might have high standards for yourself. While this quality can be a strength, it can also create resistance when we feel we can’t meet our own expectations perfectly.

Try tapping on:
“Even though I feel frustrated that I can’t commit fully to tapping and healing, I accept myself exactly where I am in this process.”

“Even though I go back and forth between doing well and being derailed, I deeply and completely accept all parts of my journey.”

2. The Identity Component

Your phrase “these struggles are such a part of me” points to how these patterns have become woven into your sense of self. This is completely normal, especially with long-standing patterns, but it’s something we can address directly with tapping.

Try tapping on:
“Even though these struggles feel like they’re part of who I am, I am more than my patterns and challenges.”

“Even though I’m afraid of who I might be without these familiar struggles, I’m open to discovering the freer, lighter version of myself.”

3. The Fear of Complete Freedom

There seems to be some hesitation around letting these patterns “completely go.” This is often connected to the “not safe to heal” program we discussed earlier.

Try tapping on:
“Even though part of me is afraid to be completely free from these patterns, I honor that fear while exploring what freedom might feel like.”

“Even though complete healing feels somehow unsafe or unfamiliar, I can take small steps toward greater freedom at a pace that feels good to me.”

A New Approach: Making Friends with Resistance

What if, instead of seeing resistance as the enemy, we approached it with curiosity and compassion?

Resistance is actually a form of communication from parts of ourselves that need to be heard and understood. When we fight against our resistance, we often strengthen it. When we listen to it with an open heart, it often reveals important insights that can accelerate our healing.

The next time you notice yourself resisting Tapping, try these steps:

1. Acknowledge the Resistance Without Judgment

Instead of thinking “Ugh, I’m doing it again—why can’t I just tap?” try: “I notice I’m feeling resistance to Tapping right now. That’s interesting.”

2. Get Curious About It

Ask yourself: “What might this resistance be trying to tell me or protect me from?”

3. Tap ON the Resistance Itself

Rather than forcing yourself to tap on the original issue (like anxiety or compulsive eating), tap directly on the resistance:

4. Listen for the Answer

As you tap, stay open to insights about what’s driving the resistance. Often, just a round or two of tapping on the resistance itself will either:

• Dissolve the resistance so you can then tap on the original issue, or
• Reveal what the resistance is protecting, allowing you to address that directly

5. Honor Small Steps

Remember that healing isn’t all-or-nothing. Each time you tap, even briefly, you’re creating positive change. Each time you gain awareness about your patterns, even without tapping, you’re moving forward.

A Permission Slip for Imperfect Healing

Rita, I want to offer you something that has helped many of my clients (and myself): permission to heal imperfectly.

The path to becoming our greatest selves isn’t a straight line. It’s more like a spiral, where we revisit similar themes at deeper levels of understanding and healing. Sometimes we’ll feel like we’re going in circles, but we’re actually ascending the spiral.

Resistance, setbacks, and the dance between progress and struggle are all normal parts of this journey. They don’t mean you’re failing—they mean you’re human, navigating the complex terrain of transformation.

What if you could embrace this imperfect process? What if those times when you’re “completely derailed” are actually important parts of your healing journey, offering insights and growth opportunities that the “doing okay” times can’t provide?

The Paradoxical Theory of Change

There’s a beautiful concept in Gestalt therapy called the “Paradoxical Theory of Change,” which suggests that real change happens when we fully accept and become what we are, not when we try to become what we are not.

In other words, change begins with acceptance of exactly where we are—resistance and all.

Try this Tapping sequence to embrace the paradox:

A Personal Note

I want to share something personal with you, Rita. I’ve been using and teaching Tapping for many years now, and guess what? I still sometimes resist Tapping when I need it most.

There are days when I feel anxious or stressed, and even though I know tapping would help, something in me resists. I put it off. I find other things to do. I tell myself I’ll tap “later.” And sometimes later never comes.

But here’s what I’ve learned: This doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong or that Tapping doesn’t work for me. It means I’m human, with all the complexity that entails. It means there are parts of me that are still figuring out how to be okay with feeling good all the time.

And each time I notice this resistance, it’s an opportunity to understand myself more deeply and to practice self-compassion rather than self-judgment.

This awareness—this gentle noticing without criticism—is itself a form of growth. And over time, I find that both my resistance and my compassion for that resistance have become valuable teachers on my path.

Moving Forward: Your Next Steps

Rita, as you continue on your journey, here are some specific suggestions that might help:

1. Create a “Resistance Tapping Plan”

Since resistance shows up most strongly when you’re already struggling with compulsive eating or anxiety, create a simple Tapping sequence specifically for those moments. Write it down or record it on your phone so it’s ready when you need it.

Focus the sequence on the resistance itself, not the original issue. For example: “Even though I don’t want to tap right now, I accept how I feel.” “This resistance to helping myself” “Not wanting to tap even though I know it would help” “It’s okay to feel this way”

2. Lower the Bar

Sometimes we resist because the task feels too big. Instead of expecting yourself to do a full Tapping session, commit to tapping on just three points for 30 seconds. Often, once you start, you’ll naturally want to continue.

3. Connect with Your “Why”

Create a clear, compelling vision of what’s on the other side of your healing. How would your life be different if you were free from compulsive eating and anxiety? How would you feel? What would become possible?

Write this vision down and connect with it regularly. When resistance shows up, this vision can help motivate you to push through it.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Each time you notice resistance, try to respond with kindness rather than frustration. This doesn’t mean giving in to the resistance, but rather acknowledging it without judgment before choosing your next step.

5. Consider Working with a Practitioner

Sometimes having support makes all the difference, especially when working with deep patterns of resistance. An experienced EFT practitioner can help you navigate the territory of resistance in a safe, supportive environment.

In Closing

Rita, the fact that you’re aware of your resistance and asking for help with it shows tremendous self-awareness and commitment to your growth. These qualities will serve you well as you continue on your journey.

Remember that resistance isn’t your enemy—it’s a messenger with important information about the parts of you that need understanding and care. By approaching it with curiosity rather than judgment, you can transform it from an obstacle into a guide on your path to becoming your greatest self.

I believe in your capacity to navigate this challenge, and I honor your courage in facing it directly. The very fact that you wrote this email shows that the part of you that wants healing and freedom is strong and determined.

Keep Tapping, keep being gentle with yourself, and trust that even with the back-and-forth, you’re making progress on the spiral path of transformation.

Looking for more support with resistance and self-sabotage?

• The Tapping Solution App – Features specific meditations for overcoming resistance and self-sabotage. Here are a few I’d recommend:
  • Motivate me to Tap – This session is a powerful way to unblock any resistant energy you feel about Tapping so you can then use that energy to tap on more specific issues!
  • Break Free from Unhelpful Habits – This session is led by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) expert Dr. Claire Hayes, and combines Tapping with CBT to walk you through a powerful process to better understand your unhelpful habits so you can make more empowering choices moving forward. CBT is a powerful way to get to the root of why we behave the way we do. Dr. Hayes has a collection of 4 sessions in the app you can find here.
  • Daily Guidance Quick Taps (and Card Deck) – Sometimes we don’t tap because we don’t know what to tap on. We created the Daily Guidance Card Deck to help with that! It’s a fun way to pick your Tapping meditation for the day, or the moment! Some people like to do a few in a row or throughout the day. Each card has a Quick Tap session you can tap along with, and all our Quick Taps are only 2 minutes long. They’re so easy to do, and even with just 2 minutes of Tapping people report feeling significant shifts!

Note: You can access these meditations by clicking the links above using your mobile device, or type the name of the meditation into The Tapping Solution App’s search function.

Have you experienced resistance to Tapping or other healing practices that you know would help you? What has helped you overcome this resistance? Share your experiences in the comments below.

Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner