I recently received this heartfelt message from someone I’ll call “Ted” that I wanted to share with you:
“I am stuck with Tapping on the issue of my lovelife. I do not have the slightest clue how I should proceed. I can talk to women in general with relative ease. Only when I actually feel attracted and there is the fear of being rejected, I get completely tongue-tied and only later think of something I could have said, when the stress of actually having to say to her is gone. I am not sure how to tap on this issue, cause it seems to consist of multiple layers. HELP!”
Ted, first of all, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in sharing this challenge. What you’re describing is something I’ve heard from countless people over the years—that fascinating phenomenon where we can be perfectly articulate in most social situations, but the moment romantic interest enters the picture, our brain seems to short-circuit completely!
The good news? You’re absolutely normal. The better news? Tapping can help unravel this knot of anxiety in ways that might surprise you.
The Science Behind Your Tongue-Tied Moments
What’s happening when you freeze up around someone you’re attracted to isn’t a character flaw or personality defect—it’s your nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do. Let me explain.
When you’re talking to someone you’re attracted to, your primitive brain registers this as a high-stakes situation. Why? Because from an evolutionary perspective, finding a mate was crucial for survival. Your brain treats romantic rejection as a genuine threat—not intellectually, but at a deep, primal level.
This perceived threat activates your body’s stress response. Your nervous system floods with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Blood flow shifts away from your prefrontal cortex (the thinking, articulate part of your brain) and toward your limbs (preparing you to fight or flee). The result? Your clever thoughts and witty remarks become temporarily inaccessible.
It’s like your brain is saying: “Danger detected! Shutting down sophisticated speech centers. Preparing for survival mode!”
The most fascinating part? This response happens completely automatically, below the level of conscious awareness. You don’t decide to get tongue-tied—your nervous system makes that decision for you, thinking it’s protecting you from harm.
The Nervous System’s Role in Dating Anxiety
This is where Tapping comes in. What makes Tapping uniquely effective for this kind of situation is that it works directly with your nervous system. It’s not just about changing your thoughts—it’s about rewiring your body’s automatic response to perceived threats.
When you tap on specific acupressure points while focusing on your dating anxiety, you’re sending calming signals directly to your amygdala—the alarm center in your brain. You’re essentially telling your nervous system: “This isn’t actually dangerous. We don’t need to go into survival mode when talking to someone attractive.”
Over time, Tapping helps create new neural pathways that associate romantic interactions with safety instead of threat. Your brain literally rewires itself to stay online, present, and articulate—even when you’re talking to someone who makes your heart beat a little faster.
The Multiple Layers of Dating Anxiety
You mentioned that your challenge seems to consist of multiple layers, and you’re absolutely right. Dating anxiety typically has several interconnected components that we can address through Tapping:
Layer 1: The Fear of Rejection
At the core of most dating anxiety is the fear of rejection. This fear often runs deeper than we realize and can connect to early experiences of feeling rejected or not good enough.
Layer 2: Performance Pressure
The pressure to say the “right thing” and make a good impression creates a mental burden that actually makes it harder to be natural and present.
Layer 3: Identity Protection
Your brain might be protecting your identity and self-concept. If you never truly put yourself out there, you never have to confront the possibility that you might be “undesirable” in some way.
Layer 4: Past Experiences
Previous awkward or painful dating experiences may have created a conditioned response where your body automatically goes into protection mode.
Layer 5: Body Sensations
The physical sensations that arise when you’re attracted to someone—butterflies, racing heart, flushed face—can themselves become triggers for anxiety.
Let’s tackle each of these layers with specific Tapping sequences.
A Tapping Approach for Dating Confidence
Before we dive in, I want to encourage you to approach this process with curiosity and self-compassion. Getting tongue-tied around people you’re attracted to isn’t a personal failing—it’s a very human experience that stems from how our brains are wired.
Also, while I’ll present this as a step-by-step process, feel free to focus on whichever aspects resonate most strongly with you. Your experience is unique, and your Tapping journey should reflect that.
Step 1: Tapping on the Fear of Rejection
Begin by rating your fear of rejection on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being the most intense.
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though I freeze up and get tongue-tied around women I’m attracted to, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though the fear of rejection feels overwhelming, and I can’t think of anything to say in the moment, I honor how I feel and accept myself anyway.”
“Even though part of me is afraid of being rejected, and that fear shuts down my ability to communicate naturally, I’m open to the possibility that I can feel calm and confident in these situations.”
Eyebrow: “This fear of rejection”
Side of the eye: “It completely shuts me down”
Under the eye: “I can’t think of anything to say”
Under the nose: “The words just disappear”
Under the mouth: “And I stand there feeling awkward”
Collarbone: “This frustrating pattern”
Under the arm: “Where did this fear come from?”
Top of the head: “It feels so overwhelming”
Eyebrow: “What am I really afraid of?”
Side of the eye: “Am I afraid she’ll laugh at me?”
Under the eye: “Am I afraid she’ll think I’m not good enough?”
Under the nose: “Or am I afraid I’ll find out I’m actually not good enough?”
Under the mouth: “This deep fear of rejection”
Collarbone: “It’s just my nervous system trying to protect me”
Under the arm: “But it’s not actually helping me”
Top of the head: “It’s keeping me from connection”
Eyebrow: “What if rejection isn’t actually dangerous?”
Side of the eye: “What if it’s just information?”
Under the eye: “Information that this particular person isn’t a match”
Under the nose: “Not information about my worth as a person”
Under the mouth: “I can handle someone not being interested”
Collarbone: “It doesn’t define me”
Under the arm: “I’m still worthy regardless of any one person’s response”
Top of the head: “And the right connections will happen when both people feel that spark”
Take a deep breath and check in with your fear of rejection again. Has the intensity decreased? Continue tapping until you feel a significant reduction.
Step 2: Addressing the Performance Pressure
Now, let’s focus on the pressure you might feel to say the “perfect” thing.
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though I put so much pressure on myself to say the perfect thing, and then end up saying nothing at all, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though I think of all the clever things to say later when the pressure is off, I accept how my brain works and I’m learning to be more present.”
“Even though I’m tired of analyzing conversations after they’re over, wishing I’d said something different, I choose to be gentle with myself and open to new possibilities.”
Eyebrow: “This pressure to say the perfect thing”
Side of the eye: “As if one conversation determines everything”
Under the eye: “No wonder I freeze up”
Under the nose: “The stakes feel so high”
Under the mouth: “And then all these thoughts later about what I should have said”
Collarbone: “It’s exhausting to analyze everything”
Under the arm: “This perfect thing I’m supposed to say”
Top of the head: “Does it even exist?”
Eyebrow: “What if there is no perfect thing to say?”
Side of the eye: “What if authentic connection isn’t about perfect words?”
Under the eye: “What if it’s more about presence and genuine interest?”
Under the nose: “Maybe the pressure is coming from me, not from her”
Under the mouth: “Maybe she’s just as nervous as I am”
Collarbone: “What if we’re all just doing our best?”
Under the arm: “I can release this impossible standard”
Top of the head: “And just be present in the conversation”
Eyebrow: “I don’t need to be perfect”
Side of the eye: “I just need to be myself”
Under the eye: “Whatever comes out authentically is exactly right”
Under the nose: “Even a simple ‘hi’ is a perfect start”
Under the mouth: “I’m releasing the pressure to perform”
Collarbone: “Allowing conversations to flow naturally”
Under the arm: “Trusting that the right words will come”
Top of the head: “When I focus on connection rather than performance”
Take a deep breath and notice how you feel about the pressure to say the perfect thing now.
Step 3: Rewiring the Body’s Stress Response
This next sequence focuses specifically on changing how your body responds in these situations.
Tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though my body goes into fight-or-flight mode around women I’m attracted to, I deeply and completely accept my nervous system and how it’s trying to protect me.”
“Even though my brain treats potential rejection like a life-threatening situation, I’m teaching my nervous system that these interactions are actually safe.”
“Even though my body’s stress response hijacks my ability to think clearly, I’m rewiring this pattern with each tapping session.”
Eyebrow: “This physical stress response”
Side of the eye: “My heart races”
Under the eye: “My mind goes blank”
Under the nose: “My palms get sweaty”
Under the mouth: “My throat tightens”
Collarbone: “All these physical sensations”
Under the arm: “That make it hard to speak normally”
Top of the head: “My body thinks I’m in danger”
Eyebrow: “But I’m not actually in danger”
Side of the eye: “Talking to someone attractive isn’t life-threatening”
Under the eye: “Even rejection isn’t physically dangerous”
Under the nose: “I’m teaching my nervous system a new response”
Under the mouth: “I can stay calm and present”
Collarbone: “I can keep my thinking brain online”
Under the arm: “Even when my heart beats faster from attraction”
Top of the head: “That’s excitement, not danger”
Eyebrow: “My body is learning that these interactions are safe”
Side of the eye: “I can stay present even with these feelings”
Under the eye: “I can speak clearly even when I’m attracted to someone”
Under the nose: “My nervous system is updating its programming”
Under the mouth: “From threat response to excitement response”
Collarbone: “From shutting down to opening up”
Under the arm: “From freeze to flow”
Top of the head: “I’m rewiring this pattern with every tapping session”
Take a deep breath and notice any shifts in how your body feels when you imagine talking to someone you’re attracted to.
The “Real-Time Reframe” Technique
One particularly effective approach for your situation is you can think of as a “Real-Time Reframe.” This technique helps you prepare for those moments when you feel yourself starting to freeze up.
Here’s how it works:
- Before an interaction: Take 2-3 minutes to tap through the points while focusing on feeling calm and present.
- During the interaction: If you feel yourself starting to freeze, take a deep breath and silently tap on the side of the hand (or alternative finger Tapping points), or simply press on the collarbone point. Even these discreet ways of Tapping can help regulate your nervous system.
- After the interaction: Whether it went well or not, tap for a few minutes to process the experience and reinforce the new pattern you’re creating.
The beauty of this technique is that it works with your body’s natural response patterns rather than fighting against them. Over time, your nervous system learns that these interactions are safe, and the automatic freeze response begins to fade.
Beyond Tapping: Additional Perspectives
While Tapping is incredibly effective for rewiring these automatic responses, here are a few additional perspectives that might help:
1. The Shared Experience Perspective
Remember that the person you’re talking to is human too. They have their own insecurities and fears. Recognizing this shared humanity can take some of the pressure off and make the interaction feel more balanced.
2. The Practice Perspective
Like any skill, comfortable romantic communication improves with practice. Each interaction, whether it goes perfectly or not, is valuable practice that contributes to your growth.
3. The Curiosity Perspective
Shifting your focus from “How am I coming across?” to “I wonder what this person is like?” can dramatically reduce self-consciousness and make conversations flow more naturally.
4. The Low-Stakes Start Perspective
Begin with brief, low-pressure interactions before working up to longer conversations. A simple “What’s something fun or exciting you’ve been working on lately?” can be an enjoyable place to start.
Moving Forward: Your Action Plan
Ted, based on what you’ve shared, here’s a simple action plan to help you move forward:
- Daily Tapping: Spend 5-10 minutes each day tapping on one aspect of this challenge. Work through the layers we’ve discussed, focusing on what feels most relevant for you.
- Situation-Specific Tapping: Before situations where you might meet someone you’re attracted to, take a few minutes to tap specifically on feeling calm and present.
- Physical Regulation: Practice deep breathing alongside your Tapping to further regulate your nervous system. The combination is particularly powerful.
- Start Small: Give yourself permission to start with very brief interactions. A simple hello or introduction is a perfect first step.
- Self-Compassion Practice: When you do freeze up (which might still happen sometimes), practice self-compassion rather than self-criticism. Each experience is a valuable part of your growth!
Remember, the goal isn’t to never feel nervous—it’s to remain present and functional even when those natural nervous feelings arise. This is a process, and each step forward is significant.
You’re Already on the Path
Ted, the fact that you’re aware of this pattern and actively seeking ways to address it shows tremendous self-awareness. Many people spend years avoiding these situations altogether rather than facing them directly as you’re doing.
Your ability to talk easily with women in general settings is also a strength you can build upon. It shows that your social skills are already well-developed—it’s just that specific trigger of attraction and potential rejection that activates your nervous system’s protection response.
With Tapping, you’re addressing this challenge at its root—not just managing symptoms, but actually rewiring the underlying pattern in your nervous system. This is profound work, and it can create lasting change in a way that mere techniques or tips can’t match.
I believe in your ability to transform this pattern. Trust the process, be patient with yourself, and know that with each Tapping session, you’re creating new neural pathways that support the confident, articulate person you already are—even around people you’re attracted to.
Looking for more support with social confidence?
- The Tapping Solution App – we have so many guided meditations to help you with a variety of feelings that might come up around social interactions. Here are some specific ones that might feel especially relevant for you if you’re dating, or working on your confidence in social settings:
- Social Anxiety Collection (this collection of 3 sessions help by addressing the anxiety you feel in anticipation of the event, right before, and at a deeper level)
- Pre-Social Activity Micro Boost
- Pre-Date Micro Boost
- Be Calm in Social Situations Sleep Programming
- Dating Support: Pre-Date Tapping
- Dating Support: Getting Back Out There
- Dating Support: Recover From a Bad Date
Note: You can access these meditations by clicking the links above using your mobile device, or type the name of the meditation into The Tapping Solution App’s search function.
Meanwhile, I’m wishing you confidence, connection, and many wonderful conversations ahead!
I’d love to hear how this approach works for you. What aspects resonate most strongly? Which layers feel most relevant to your experience? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Until next time… Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner