During my years teaching EFT/Tapping, helping people overcome chronic pain, insomnia, financial challenges, and more, I’ve noticed several underlying issues that most of us struggle with at some point in our journey. One of them is setting boundaries.
Boundaries are tricky because we often don’t know where our boundaries are until someone has crossed them. To add to the overwhelm, when someone does cross a boundary, we’re often taken aback.
Because of the shock we experience in the moment, it can be hard to respond in a healthy way. Instead of speaking up for ourselves or taking some kind of action to protect ourselves, we often freeze.
Why we freeze when a boundary is crossed…
Have you ever looked back on a moment when someone crossed your boundary and wondered why you didn’t say or do something to defend yourself? It’s called the freeze response, and it’s a primal protective response that happens to just about everyone.
The best way to understand the freeze response is by watching animals in the wild. When an animal, like a possum, is attacked its body goes stiff, and by all appearances it seems to be dead.
As a result, its attacker typically loses interest, and abandons pursuit. Once the attacker has left, the possum will stand up and run off to safety. (That’s where the phrase “playing possum” comes from.)
While it may look like the possum is “playing” at looking dead, the freeze response is a physical state of being frozen, unable to move or defend itself other than by freezing.
That’s why, for example, you may feel “frozen,” unable to reply or respond appropriately, if someone suddenly confronts you. That’s your body initiating a freeze response in order to protect you from another attack.
(There are many different ways people “freeze” when they’re experiencing a freeze response; that’s just one example.)
But then afterward, we feel angry and resentful.
Whether or not we experience the freeze response when someone crosses a boundary, we’re often left feeling angry and resentful. In fact, feeling resentful toward a person is a great indication that he or she has crossed your boundary.
Until we process and clear the leftover anger and resentment, it’s almost impossible to set healthy boundaries with people who have crossed them in the past. So let’s do a tapping exercise that allows you to clear those emotions and begin setting healthy boundaries with people.
A tapping process for clearing resentment and setting boundaries…
Here’s a tapping process for clearing resentment from past attempts to create boundaries and set healthy new boundaries with people now:
Think of 5 people in your life who have hurt you, or crossed your boundary in some way. Pick one to start and imagine them standing in front of you. If you could tell them anything or ask them anything about how you felt or what happened between you, what would it be? Imagine yourself doing that – what feelings come up? Anger – hurt – fear?
This is what gets in the way of setting the boundary and where tapping comes in. Tap through all of the feelings that come up, allowing yourself time to imagine their reaction and then notice the next set of feelings that rise to the surface.
Ask yourself, Where else have I felt this way? What does this feeling remind me of?
Tap on those other events as they present themselves. If nothing comes up, that’s okay as well, just continue tapping for the feelings that were coming up when you were expressing your thoughts and feelings to the person you imagined.
Check in with that image again. When you see yourself in front of that person, how does you feel now?
Continue to tap around the remaining feelings that might come up in that conversation. Imagine how they might react to your request – notice if there are feelings coming up for you. When you find them, tap on those feelings. This step could take just a few minutes, or it could take a while.
Remember, you are doing this for yourself. If it takes some time to complete the process, it’s worth it because YOU are worth it! The more time you spend working through the different scenarios, the more natural it will feel when you do ask for what you need or want.
Once you’ve gone through this process for your first imaginary person, use it for the next person on your list. Notice if the next person was easier, or if different feelings came up. You might find that the process moves quickly with some, and more slowly with others.
After a while, setting boundaries and speaking up for what you want will feel more natural. You’ll still encounter people who present a challenge, and when that happens, remember to return to this exercise.
Boundaries are one of the core foundations of emotional health and well-being, as well as good relationships. Once you get comfortable setting healthy ones, you’ll find it’s much easier to transform your relationship with yourself and others in the best possible ways. 🙂
If you had a shift or breakthrough in doing this process, large or small, share it below!
.
Connect With Us on Social Media