“Anger, resentment, and jealousy don’t change the heart of others – they only change yours.” – Shannon Alder
I don’t think there’s anyone who hasn’t felt hurt by the actions or words of someone else, resulting in a variety of emotions such as anger, disappointment, rejection, and resentment, just to name a few.
That’s pretty much common knowledge, right? It’s something that we’ve all experienced, so we can relate. Of all of these emotions, however, it’s resentment that has the potential of being the most toxic.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
– Saint Augustine
You see, as opposed to anger, which is the more acute, aggressive form, usually fizzling itself out over a relatively short period…
Resentment is the smoldering slow burn – the chronic caustic acid that slowly eats away at us from the inside out, affecting not only our relationships, but also our health.
The problem with resentment is that we can often rationally justify holding on to it. Perhaps someone did say or do something to cause us pain or injury, either physically or emotionally. And because of this, they “deserve” our animosity and resentfulness as a form of “payback” to even the scales, as it were.
But as the Buddha once wisely said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
So if you feel it’s time to let go of your anger and resentment, here are three simple steps you can follow:
Step 1. Identify the Real Emotions
Many times when we’re holding onto resentment, we’re actually just holding on to the memory of how someone made us feel.
In other words, we’re not really holding onto resentment, we’re remembering how we felt unwanted, or unloved, or unworthy, or less-than in any way.
Take your time here and really dig deep to identify who it is you resent, and why exactly you resent them (i.e. how they made you feel).
This may be a little tough, but it’s an important step. And you may actually find that you’ve never really thought about it before. Some insights may suddenly present themselves that you’ve never noticed previously.
It’s important to articulate and capture these emotions and memories because it will prepare you for the next step…
Step 2. Tap on It
Tapping is such an effective technique when it comes to releasing resentment because it engages so many aspects of the mind, body, and emotional system. If you’re new to Tapping, you can read more about it here.
Resentment is a visceral emotion in and of itself. Like anger, you feel it throughout every part of your body and it can literally change your biochemistry.
“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital.
So taking the more specific emotions and memories of how someone made you feel from Step 1, you’re now ready to begin tapping on them.
Here are some example setup statements to help get you started:
Side of Hand: Even though [person’s name] made me feel so small and insignificant, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Side of Hand: Even though dad/mom never made me feel like I was important in their lives, I accept myself and how I feel.
Side of Hand: Even though [person’s name] made me feel rejected and unwanted, I choose now to let this resentment go.
Then begin tapping through the meridian points, elaborating on the “truth” about how this person made you feel.
I use the word “truth” in quotes for two reasons. Firstly, because some find it difficult to tap on the negative feelings because they feel like they are just reinforcing them. But really the opposite is true…
By acknowledging your true feelings while tapping through the meridian points, you’re actually allowing them to be released from your nervous system.
Secondly, resentment can sometimes be a matter of perspective. We may be harboring ill feelings towards someone who may not have even intentionally meant to hurt us. Many times we often “project” our past hurts onto others who may have just unconsciously said or done something to remind us of a past experience.
After tapping through a few rounds, finish off with a round or two of more encouraging and positive words for yourself. Perhaps that person isn’t that bad after all. Maybe you overreacted just a little bit. Or perhaps new light has just shone on the situation to put it into better context.
Many amazing breakthroughs can occur during your tapping experience, so just follow where your emotions and memories take you. 🙂
For a guided Tapping Meditation specifically on Releasing Resentment, I encourage you to download The Tapping Solution App. With an average 43% emotional intensity reduction of resentment self-reported by our app users, it’s a really powerful tool that can take your Tapping practice so much deeper.
Step 3: Forgive
Ok, I know what you may be saying here. “That’s a big step, Nick!”
But here’s the thing…
Just like releasing that hot coal of resentment, forgiveness isn’t necessarily for the person who hurt you, it’s for ourselves.
“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Forgiveness is the act of releasing the chains that are keeping us bound in a prison of our own design. Does it mean forgetting what happened? No. Does it mean condoning someone else’s behavior? Not at all.
To forgive is to recognize that we all make mistakes. To forgive is to acknowledge that doing otherwise is only hurting ourselves. To forgive is understanding that “hurting people hurt people”. Just like a wounded animal may lash out and bite you even when you are only trying to help, we’re rarely aware of all the invisible emotional wounds that others have been inflicted by.
Forgiveness is simply a new level of understanding – a higher peak of perspective that you reach through your journey of going through steps 1 and 2. 🙂
You can do this. I know you can. And when you do, that emotional weight that you’ve chosen to lay down will help to make your continued life journey that much more freeing and enjoyable.
Until next time…
Keep Tapping!
Nick Ortner
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